By Brian Scott
I will first state that I have been a knucklehead the majority of my life. Before you email me your agreement to this statement and your own reasonings, let me elaborate. I have allowed my overdone strengths or the blind spots of my personality to put me in precarious positions in my relationships, especially with other leaders. My emotions take hold, and it prohibits me from being vulnerable with other people. I become self-absorbed and defensive. I operate more out of fear than love. People become competition instead of trusted allies whom I depend on for balance and edification. This is not interdependent leadership.
Mankind was made in God’s image, which affords all people wonderful expressions of that beautiful truth. We have a spirit, volition, creativity, and emotions, to name a few of the benefits. At the same time, mankind has a sin nature that distorts or taints those attributes. There are areas of brokenness in every leader, and environments will be directly impacted by those unique and specific deficiencies. If a leader operates out of their sinful nature, they will have self at the center of their motivation.
In his article, “Trinity, Attachment, and Love,” Steve Stratton describes how this selfish motivation entered mankind at the fall, “The fall came as a self-protective denial of purpose, a self-absorbed refusal of stewardship, and a self-centered rejection of love. Because of Adam and Eve’s choice, love was abandoned at the heart of the created order, and fear became the pervading theme. The kingdom of love, where another is a source of life, was cast off. The usurping kingdom of fear, where another is a threat, was accepted.”
When self is the focus, we have an identity crisis. We become ignorant in our self-awareness and covet other peoples’ positions or influence. We also become blind to our own self-worth from a loving Father’s perspective. For when we live out of a reality of worth in the eyes of God, we are able to take comfort in our weaknesses or deficiencies and not strive to be someone we are not. We are able to be vulnerable and pursue relationships at deep levels because of the security and confidence found in God’s approval in how He has created us. We are able to more fully give ourselves to others, because we no longer hide behind a mask of being someone we were not created to be.
If these are not your struggles, feel blessed. If they are your struggles, what are some ways to address these issues?
- We need to become more soul-aware. When feeling negative emotions in relationships, try and name the emotion you are feeling. In a posture of surrender, literally ask the Holy Spirit, “Why am I experiencing this emotion of ________?” For example, why do I feel misunderstood, or devalued, or worthless?
- Many times, an accompanying emotion is fear, which happens when we feel threatened. List out those things that you are fearing in that original emotion. For example, what am I fearing in being misunderstood, or devalued, or worthless? Maybe the fear is that people are correct in how I perceive they see me.
- Ask Jesus what He thinks. Ask Him how He sees you. Then, wait for His response. This maybe scary if you have never asked Him the question, but I think you’ll like His response.